


Clucker

by PaintedVanilla



Series: days on end [33]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Birds, F/M, Married Couple, Older Characters, Pets, Retirement
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-16
Updated: 2017-07-16
Packaged: 2018-12-03 06:10:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11526162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PaintedVanilla/pseuds/PaintedVanilla
Summary: James is allergic to everything.





	Clucker

**Author's Note:**

> American Mysteries: what was James and Dolley's parrot's name? I couldn't find its name anywhere. Thanks to Madi for helping me name the mystery bird.

Dolley sets her mug of coffee down on the dining table and frowns at her husband, “Have you been feeding that cat again?”

She’s referring to the cat that likes to hang around the backyard of their Virginia home. Now that they lived there permanently, it often stayed in their backyard and waited for James to take pity on it.

James takes a sip from his own mug, “No.”

“I heard it meowing this morning.” Dolley says, “And then you got up early. What did you take it?”

“I didn’t take it anything.” James insists, although he doesn’t sound very convincing.

Dolley moves and hovers over him, “Your eyes are red.” She says.

James sniffs, “No they’re not.”

“You’re sniffling.” She continues, “You held the cat.” She concludes, moving back towards her chair and grabbing her mug.

“I didn’t - ” James pauses, and then sneezes, and then sits quietly for a moment, “I held the cat.” He says, defeated.

“James, you’re going to kill yourself.” Dolley tells him.

“Yay.” James says, taking another sip of his coffee; Dolley frowns at him.

“You have to stop feeding the cat.” She insists.

“But I don’t want to.” James whines, “I wanna name her - ”

“No!” Dolley says, “No, you cannot name her! You’ll get attached and you’ll want to let her in the house and you’ll die.”

“Once again, yay.” James deadpans.

Dolley purses her lips but presses on, “We can get a pet that you’re _not_ allergic to, and then you can allow yourself to get emotionally attached to that one instead.”

“Can’t.” James says.

“What? Why not?”

“I’m allergic to everything.”

“I’m sure you’re not allergic to _everything.”_

“My parents had me tested. Cats, dogs, nuts, shellfish.”

“I’m not asking you to get a walnut. I was thinking more something soft. Something we can cuddle.”

“We can cuddle each other.”

“Clearly you’re not satisfied with that since you sneak out in the morning to cuddle a stray cat.”

James frowns, but doesn’t protest; instead he stirs his coffee and asks Dolley to continue.

“I was thinking maybe a rabbit - ”

“Allergic.”

“...Okay, what about mice?”

“Allergic.”

“Really? What about a guinea pig?”

“Allergic.”

“A hamster?”

James frowns at her, _“No.”_

“Oh, right.” Dolley clears her throat, “Sorry.”

“I’m allergic anyways.”

“Oh, I’m sure that was fun.”

“I don’t wanna talk about it.”

Dolley taps her fingers on her mug, “Are you allergic to reptiles?”

“I wouldn’t let a reptile come in this house.” James says.

Dolley hums, “How about a bird?”

James opens his mouth, closes it, opens it again, and then closes it again. He’s quiet for a moment, “Maybe.” He finally says, “Maybe I could do a bird.”

Dolley smiles at him, “I think we’re gonna do a bird.”

James nods, “Let’s do a bird.” He finishes his coffee, “I’m gonna go take a shower.”

“To wash the cat hair off.” Dolley says.

“Yeah,” James sniffs, “Then we can go look at birds.”

“Yay, birds.” Dolley says, and they both smile.

…

“Are these your only birds?” James asks, so far not particularly impressed with the few they’ve seen. They’re currently looking at two cockatiels and a canary; one of the cockatiels has snapped at Dolley twice, and the canary won’t have anything to do with either of them. The other cockatiel has an ear piercing screech that James knows he won’t be able to live with.

The teenager helping them out rocks back and forth on her feet, “Oh, uh, well,” she pauses, “this is our main selection, but we do have one more... in the back.”

Dolley turns to her, “Can we see it?”

The girl fumbles with her lanyard, “Uh, sure.” She says, “But I don’t think it’s the kind of bird you’re looking for.”

“What kind of bird is it?” James asks.

“It’s a parrot,” The girl tells them.

“Well, we’d like to at least meet it.” Dolley says.

The girl sighs, “Okay,” she says, “But you’ll have to come in the back with me. We can’t bring him in the storefront for... censorship reasons.”

James and Dolley exchange a glance but follow the girl anyways. She brings them to a back room where there are multiple empty bird cages. In one of them perches a green parrot who begins bouncing up and down as soon as the door opens.

“He was a rescue.” The girl explains, “But I really don’t think he’s the bird for you.”

“What makes you say that?” Dolley asks, stepping closer to it.

The bird stops bouncing and looks at her, then it exclaims, “Fuck!”

Dolley and James both pause, startled; the bird cocks his head and says, “Fuck! Shit! Fuck!”

“I want it.” Dolley says immediately.

“We want this one.” James agrees.

The girl frowns, “Are you sure?”

“Fucking damn!” The parrot says.

“This is the funniest shit I’ve ever seen.” Dolley says quietly.

“This is the funniest shit!” The parrot repeats, “The funniest shit! Shit!”

“He agrees,” James says, “This is the bird we want.”

“Does it have a name?” Dolley asks.

“Uh,” The girl pauses, “Yeah, his name is Peter, but he doesn’t respond to it. You can rename him if you want.”

“Clucker.” Dolley says.

“What?” James and the girl ask together.

“Get it?” Dolley asks, “Like fucker? But the sound a bird makes?”

“Only chickens cluck, hon.” James tells her, “But I like it. Let’s name him Clucker.”

“Fucker!” The bird says.

“Yes!” Dolley tells him, “That’s almost your name.”

“Clucker fucker! Clucker fucker!” The bird exclaims.

“He’s a fast learner.” James comments, “We’ll take him.”

**Author's Note:**

> Dolley and James really did have a parrot that cussed all the time!! They both thought it was hilarious. I also think it's hilarious.


End file.
